From the moment of our conception, we are building. From one spermatozoa and one egg merging into a new cell, we build two cells from one, four from two, eight from four, and so on. We follow the genetic blueprint like a construction worker, taking proteins, lipids, minerals, water and whatever else we need to build more and more cells, differentiating into skin, nerves, muscle, organs, limbs and so on. This process continues long after birth, every time we grow an inch, hit puberty, heal from a cut, or learn from experience.
Early in life, building blocks and stacking toys gives us new concepts, with which we learn to construct in the world around us. Watch a baby putting blocks on top of each other. Shaky eye and hand coordination and learning new principles makes the task difficult. Trials and errors must be tolerated and overcome. In spite of this, the process is engrossing, enjoyable, and most of all fun. Babies playing with blocks…such an universal theme that the two are often pictured together. What would it be like to hold onto the simplicity of that learning? The lessons continue to be applicable:
Problems are fascinating challenges.
Don’t let failures stop you from trying.
Enjoy the process.
Life gets more complicated, and so do we. The problems become more problematic, with the required construction more complex. The power of mastery we seek can be obtained, if sometimes momentarily. New challenges arise, saving us from boredom or too much self satisfaction. Nursery school becomes kindergarten, which becomes first grade, and so on, with all the attending challenges. In our personal and academic educations, the definition of building broadens to make use of abstractions, a process which begins when babies learn that when they can’t see Mommy or Daddy, those people don’t stop existing. They need to build an image of these people in their minds, object constancy, to get them through some lonely and scary times. This will branch out into the building of other relationships.
We build many other things also. Our language, once again, provides a huge variety of examples: building peace, weaving a tangled web to deceive, building a house of cards, building a good foundation, building strong character, and so on. My brother in law Howie the lawyer said he always wanted to use this movie quote: “Your honor, my opponent has constructed a thinly veiled tissue of lies!” This is especially impressive when delivered with a British accent.
Lawyers, to be effective, must have finely honed skills of alternate reality construction. This often involves breaking down the opposing colleague’s construct. The relationship of building and breaking becomes evident. The rest of us do the same thing all the time. When Mommy breaks down the scary image of a gorilla in a dark bedroom, and substitutes the raincoat and clothes tree which become visible when she turns on the light, one reality is demolished and another more reassuring world has been built. Kids need to be taught the difference between imagination and the physical world. At other times they need to be taught that imagination can be a powerful tool for affecting the outside world. (Later we will introduce the Power of Creating. Interesting how these powers overlap.)
The fact that people see reality differently, gives us opportunities to learn and grow. Overinvestment in one “true” reality can block the learning process. It is a necessary part of life to re-examine to re-examine the reality one has built, and rebuild it according to new information.
Particular caution is called for in attempting to persuade people to abandon their version of reality, and adopt yours. Sometimes therapists forget this basic premise. My Psychodrama mentor, Peter Rowan, put it this way: “Don’t take away someone’s denial unless you have something better to offer.” To build a new house on the site of an old one, it is necessary to tear the old building down. If remodeling the old home is not an option, if demolition and reconstruction is the only answer, better be sure there is a place to live in the meantime. What I call the Shelter of Hope needs to be sturdy for the stormy times ahead.
Seems like time to move on to the Power of Breaking.
First, let’s break down the common concept that breaking is bad. It can be negative, to be sure. Broken bones, broken promises, broken hearts, broken glasses or tail lights…none of these are usually welcomed. But what about breaking bad habits, breaking new ground, breaking down the walls of racism, breaking through the glass ceiling? Many people view such breakage as desirable. The breakdown of a candlewick by fire generates light.
As far as I can figure out, nothing gets built unless something else is broken. Physicists tell us matter can not be created or destroyed. Divine creation of a universe out of nothing is not a human ability; we need something to work with. Trees are broken down into building material, ground is broken to pour cement made from broken earths and gypsum. Food is broken down by teeth, to be further broken down by enzymes and acids into molecules our bodies use to build and repair.
When making a choice whether to break something or not, two main questions come to mind. The first is “what is the potential benefit?” What kind of gain would one obtain? Would breaking the face of an ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend be enjoyable? Would shooting clay pigeons into pulverized dust give you a charge? Do you like chipping away built up grime in cracks on the floor? Is it satisfying to break someone’s illusion of superiority?
We all benefit from breaking things at some points in our lives. Splitting logs, breaking taboos, exploding preconceptions, all carry certain joys. In Japan, for a fee, a stressed out businessperson can go to a place which will supply them with cheap plates and crockery to forcefully smash against a wall. They are encouraged to scream out their frustrations. This probably costs less than a therapy session.
The second question is “What is the potential cost?” as measured against the gain. Is unleashing physical rage on a real jerk worth the remorse, broken relationships, and jail time to follow? Can you afford the fee at the skeet range? Would the time spent on a kitchen floor be better spent on a relationship? Do you know how to split logs safely o are you asking for a serious accident?
The negative consequences of breaking often get most of the notice. Many people have seen too much negative breaking in their lives, the type that costs a lot without gain. Yet the process of life affirmation requires us to build new relationships, new ways of being. This requires that old life-negating ways of being and relating must be broken down, recycled, or discarded. Thus the transition from the old life to the new life can be scary at some times. Some therapists grow frustrated when clients balk at this stage, and use the pejorative term “treatment resistant.” Many family therapists abandon that label and ask instead “what is the perceived negative consequence of change?” or, what is the family or person afraid of losing? Usually people have learned survival skills about hanging on to whatever security they have, so believe that challenging the status quo is too dangerous. It can be difficult to accept it is safe to learn and try out new ways of coping. Sometimes bringing play into the equation can be helpful.
So, back to babes and blocks. Babies love to demolish the wall or tower they labored so hard to build. I don’t think they break their constructions so they can build new ones, though that is the result. They enjoy the power of sweeping their hand through the blocks, seeing them scatter and hearing them clatter to the floor. They fully enjoy construction and destruction. They haven’t learned to value one over the other. We adults can recapture some of that simple joy. There are games which involve building a high tower of long blocks, then removing the blocks one at a time strategically, until the tower collapses. Over and over the players build, laugh and clap to see the result of chaotically falling blocks. The great success of these games with both kids and adults is significant. Adults can enjoy both building and destruction.
In adult life the stakes are higher. Careful deliberation is required. But if fear is keeping us stuck in life-negating behaviors anyway, it might be worth returning to basics. We can learn to break and build as we dance the dance of chaos and order, in life enhancing ways.
To sum up the first three chapters, then, the Powers of Staying, Moving, Building and Breaking, all have positive and negative potential. They can add to or detract from our lives. They overlap, as well. Most importantly, they can be woven together into the Power of Creating, the subject of the next chapter.
~ Wry Welwood
re-edited December 2022
Previously published in Illumination Book Chapters, on Medium, April 2021.
Chapter 4 will be republished In January 2023.