The Power of Loving, and conclusion.
Popular opinion to the contrary, love is not a “no brainer”. In some ways more powerful than intellect, it is not mindless. In his book Soulmates, Thomas Moore expresses the enigma well. He writes “The heart is a mystery…not a mystery that can’t be solved, but a mystery in the religious sense: unfathomable, beyond manipulation, showing traces of the finger of God at work.” (This chapter is not exclusively focused on romantic love, but the brotherly/sisterly variety, equally vital for our survival.)
Forty plus years ago, my wife and I created our own wedding ceremony. We had strong opinions about how things should go, still do. We combined some timeless traditions with rituals of our own (eg. we went barefoot on the earth, on our feet, well grounded.) In all the dubious wisdom of my twenty-eight years, I wrote these words, which I still hold as true:
“Roy and Martha are each complete, individual people, with their own thoughts and feelings. They are separate, but freely joined to each other, finding greater freedom within marriage than without. This is a great paradox, made possible by great love. Love itself is a mystery, which we joyfully share with each other, and which makes it possible to be here. It is not to be understood with the mind. Love is felt, throughout our being.
‘We dance ‘round a ring and suppose,
but the secret sits in the middle,
and knows.’ ”
(Ending verse by Piet Hein.)
People who have been misguided about love, or who may have given up on it, will settle for any one of numerous variations of control or power. That is, the need for communion with other people, when denied, gives way to the craving for power. Frequently they will call that control “love”. The results range from sad to horrible. This is how creative genius can be turned to mass murder or the propaganda of hate, calling it “love of country”. This is how spouses can beat each other or their children, believing they are driven by intense love. From personal lives to global politics, love is not something we can afford to delude ourselves about any longer.
When we understand and practice love perfectly, we will have become more than human. Fortunately, we do not need to attain perfection to do much better than we have been doing. No parent is a perfect parent, yet much of the time imperfect and loving parents manage to help their children grow into healthy, loving adulthood. Sometimes it is enough to recognize when we are missing the love boat, before it has floated away too far to board. Trying to outswim a cruiser on your own steam, however, is asking for trouble. Getting back on the boat often involves the hardest of tasks: seeking and accepting help when you need it. This expression of self-love is crucial if we are to regain and retain the ability to meaningfully love others.
So if love isn’t about doing it all yourself, if it isn’t about seeking control, power, wealth, perfection or other substitutes, what is it? It is tempting but futile to evade the question by speaking of the mystery, though mystery is certainly involved. I will attempt a definition, without the illusion I will have completely answered the question.
When you love somebody fully, you believe deeply that they are equal in worth to you, that their needs are as important, and deserve to be treated accordingly. You are aware that you are individuals, but individuals with a crucial connection. Note I do not say you hold the loved one as higher in worth than you. This truism is trite but true: the ability to love others can only be fully realized if it is connected to a healthy sense of self-love. You avoid treating a loved one as more worthy, or dominant, because that would negate an equal relationship. In denying your relative worth, you would be leading yourself and loved one down a path of harmful delusions, and would be robbing the other person or persons of the opportunity to love you as equal. This being said, there will be times when you choose to defer your needs to the other’s, as they will defer to yours. The flow of give and take becomes a natural rhythm, not a forced arrangement.
What the Powers of Loving and Creating have in common, is a flow from inner-self to outer-other, sometimes to such an extent that self and other do not appear to be separate anymore. The fact that we are part of a larger existence and also uniquely ourselves becomes less of a contradiction and more of an accepted fact. It is the appreciation of wholeness combined with respect for each part of the whole that characterizes the creative process guided by love.
Love transcends creativity in a way I am not sure I can fully understand, let alone communicate. Somehow love connects us to something more than the sum of self and other. It is a connection, some kind of essential guidepost. Certainly there has been enough pondering and writing on the subject to give us some clues. The passage from Corinthians 1:13 is a good example:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
And since I brought up the Bible (but do not consider myself a Christian or Jew) , this seems as good a place as any to raise the matter of spirit and Spirit. My view of the Power of Loving is that it is an ultimate connection, that allows us to transcend our usual limitations. If this is true, what is Love a connection to?
This is a question which has been twisted into disputes, bigotry, religious persecutions, inquisitions, and that extreme contradiction in terms, “Holy War.” The same question has led to deep thought, enlightenment, acts of charity, and countless good works. I will do my best not to muddy the waters of Love and Spirit with sticks and stones of religious doctrine and dispute. Whether Love leads us to concepts of gods, goddesses, a Prime Creator, or principles of Nature that generate prescriptions of Right Action, is not the most important factor to me. What is important is that whatever the image one believes in, is the image that will influence the direction of one’s life. A person whose Higher Power is Consumerism will likely lead a different life than one who follows the Tao.
If this kind of belief does not appeal to you, we don’t really have a quarrel. Many people do a great deal of good without a belief in a Higher Power, provide service to humanity that is in no way less than anyone else’s. Nonetheless, I do believe that Love not only connects people with themselves, others and the world, with something that may encompass, yet is greater than them, something that can be turned to for guidance. The ways people do this are countless and beyond proof or disproof.
I recognize that I haven’t said anything which has not been said in many different ways by different people, and more articulately. I am not a theologian and do not pretend there is any one right way. But questions of Love and Spirit can impact all of our lives, and we all must face them in our own ways. There does seem to be wide agreement, across faiths and beliefs, that we could use a lot more love in this world. Many will agree that the vast majority of humanity’s problems stem from our failures to love each other and ourselves well enough.
The matter of our falling short in love, as well as the joyful transformations that occur when we succeed in loving well, is the subject of future books. I hope that The Wonderful Powers of Being has succeeded in communicating of how powerful we “ordinary” human beings are. We are not as powerless as we sometimes feel, nor do we need to pretend we have power over things we do not. The everyday powers of staying, moving, building, breaking, creating and loving, can be life transforming, if we use them in life-affirming ways. There are life experiences which can stifle, stunt or twist our awesome creative power, and experiences which can feed, promote, and multiply that power. As I said in the first chapter, the best advice I can give anyone is to contact and surround yourself with people, situations and experiences that are life affirming.
Powers to you.
~ Wry Welwood
Link to Introduction and Chapter 1.
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SOULMATES Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship, copyright 1994 by Thomas Moore, published 1994 by HarperCollins Books.
LAST AND IN NO WAY LEAST
My wife Martha, and our children Cally and Remi, with whom we are well pleased. My father, mothers, and sisters who raised and loved me. My brother Logan, whom I miss. Various healers of mind, body, and spirit. Unpaid editorial consultants. My siblings in recovery, healing, and celebration. You know who you are.
Thank you.